Freedom From Over Thinking

The last two years have been filled with experiences. Some new, some not so new.  But all of them have been a part of a bigger journey.  I grew up in the church, made a profession of faith and asked Jesus into my heart as a child. Eventually I got baptized and for the most part never really went through any outwardly rebellious phases. Still, in my mid-thirties now, I have found myself asking some really big questions like, ‘What am I doing? Should I be focusing on something different?

Does anything that I’m doing really matter?’

I would love to say that the reason I am writing this is because I have finally come to some conclusions and I now have it figured out.  But the honest truth is that I probably have even more questions now than ever.  The difference is being open and honest enough to ask them.

I have spent a lot of my life trying so hard to just not make mistakes.

It is good to not make unnecessary mistakes, but I have a tendency to take it to another level.  I find myself constantly exerting a lot of energy to not try too hard. Why?  Mostly because of fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of falling short and my lack of perfection being exposed .

Sounds crazy I know. 

But it’s true. I have basically lived my life like a fly on the wall.  Working really hard to live life by a careful set of calculated rules, principles, practices, and avoiding pretty much anything that looks remotely dangerous in hopes that if I I never give my all or put myself out there that two things will happen.

First, if I fall short of a goal, I can fall back on convincing myself that had I given my full effort, I probably could have succeeded.  And secondly, I can avoid looking like a total fool in front of everyone.  

Despite my best efforts, neither of those things has worked out.

There have definitely been times in my life that no matter how hard I tried or worked at, it’s just not going to happen.  And I have made a fool of myself (in front of everyone) plenty of times.  There is also another side effect of that approach though.

By not giving my best shot and being consumed with a fear of failure, I missed out on experiencing what could have been during some of the previous seasons in my life.  It’s really unfortunate; because seasons only last so long. 

Every season has a beginning.  And every season has an end.  We don’t get to decide when they start or finish.  We only get input on what we do while in the midst of them.

And we only get one chance at each one.

This pattern has followed me all the way into adulthood.  Never wanting to be too visible or take too big of a risk for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.  It isn’t that I don’t have any thoughts.  I’ve just been held captive by my own security. And sometimes literally paralyzed by indecisiveness. The last few years, God has used many people, some I know and some I don’t, to help me address this head on.  So far it has been a two step process.

The first step has been taking time to discover and learn more of who God made me to be. Strengths, weaknesses, giftings, and calling. Since I like to read and analyze things to death, this hasn’t seemed like a chore at all.  I have consumed books, articles, conversations and anything that helps me better understand myself in light of the Gospel.  But this can be a never ending journey.  As the book of Ecclesiastes says:

“…of making many books, there is no end, and much study wearies the body.”

-Ecclesiastes 12:12

There seems to be no end to the number of books on my shelves. And up to this point, I haven’t done a whole lot with the information contained within their pages. It is really easy to read and read and read.  And study and study and study.  And if you never share a single word or thought with the world, you can form really strong feelings, arguments, and opinions for being right. With yourself.  It sounds ridiculous; because it is. 

Those who have chosen to “follow” or “friend” me on social media platforms in the past are well aware that I have been a ‘ghost follower.’  I will read and find out what other people are up to, but rarely post anything or others to see; primarily for the reasons mentioned above.  I haven’t been convinced that I have anything of value to say.  And if for some reason I did, I haven’t been sure that I want to make it public.

But being wrong is just another part of learning and growing.

During the last several months I have been thinking a lot about why I was created and what that meant I should be spending my time doing.  I have been wrestling with what I feel called to do, and because I am a class A over thinker, after a year and a half, I am about ninety-eight percent ready to share it with some other people around me.

So here we are at the second step; putting my thoughts, ideas, and opinions out there for others to read, be challenged or encouraged by and openly critiqued.

The last book that I read in 2018 was out of the ordinary for me, mostly because it was written primarily as an encouragement for women.  There were a lot of things that as a man I couldn’t relate to fully, but then came the openness and vulnerability of dealing with things that a lot of us work really hard at trying to hide: perfectionism, legalism, and self-righteousness. And of course overthinking.

I am thankful that God in His sovereignty knew and orchestrated the perfect time for me to read this book as it gave the needed encouragement and was so instrumental in embracing yet another new season. I’m still imperfect. But I’m looking forward to sharing the struggles, encouragements, and challenges that are all part of who I am. All by the grace of God.

“The best I could do was expect my own imperfection, offer grace to others, and hope they would do the same for me.”

 – Alexandra Kuykendall, The Artist’s Daughter